If you’re struggling to get engagement with your change efforts, there’s a good chance the problem isn’t their resistance…

…it’s your lack of connection.

I know—this one can sting a little.

In Continuous Improvement, we’re trained to focus on tools, systems, and results. But the truth is, none of those things work without people. And when we stop seeing people as people—and start seeing them as the means to get our change implemented—we unintentionally invite the very resistance we’re trying to avoid.

In this episode, we kick off the C.H.A.N.G.E. Shaper™ series with the foundation of everything:

Connecting with curiosity and compassion.

And no—this is not “soft stuff.”

This is skilled work.
This is influence.
This is what makes change actually stick.

 

What You’ll Learn

• Why pushing harder often creates more resistance 

• What it really means to “connect” (without oversharing or crossing boundaries) 

• The 3 simple steps to connect with people in real time: 
  1: Read the room, 2: Meet people where they are, 3: Ask permission before diving into change 

• How curiosity helps you avoid assumptions and actually understand what’s going on 

• Why compassion doesn’t mean agreeing—it means understanding 

• How resistance is often rooted in fear and uncertainty (not defiance) 

 

The Shift

When you lead change without connection, people feel:

• managed 

• pushed 

• overlooked 

When you lead with curiosity and compassion, people feel:

• seen 

• respected 

• willing to engage 

And that shift?
That’s where credibility starts to build.

 

Try This

Think about a change you’re working on right now.

Now think about one person you need on board.

Ask yourself:

• Did I actually connect with them as a person? 

• Did I read the room before jumping in? 

• Did I ask for permission—or just push forward? 

• Did I come in curious… or already convinced I knew the answer? 

• Did I make them feel understood—or dismissed? 

No judgment here. Just awareness.

Because awareness is where better choices start.

 

Key Reminder

Connection is not soft work.
It’s skilled work.

And it’s where real influence—and real change—begins.

 

What’s Next

In the next episode, we’ll build on this foundation and talk about the second characteristic of a C.H.A.N.G.E. Shaper™:

Helping with intention — and why the way you help might actually be slowing people down.

 

Want More Support?

If this episode had you thinking, “Wow… I’ve definitely been there,” you’re not alone.

I’m opening up a small group experience for women in Continuous Improvement:

Credible. Heard. Used.

This is for you if:

• Your ideas aren’t landing the way you intend 

• You’re feeling resistance and not sure why 

• You want to influence without pushing harder 

Check out the link.

​

​Progress beats perfection.
Curiosity beats control.
And culture… beats everything.

 

00:00 Engagement Isn’t the Problem

00:57 Meet the CHANGE Shaper

01:54 Why Connection Matters

04:08 Three Steps to Connect

06:57 Example Conversation With Kim

08:56 Curiosity Builds Clarity

12:12 Compassion Isn’t Caving

14:45 Reflect and Apply Today

16:31 Wrap Up and What’s Next

16:57 Program Invite and Closing

 

Links:

https://www.kellymallery.com/changeshaper

https://www.kellymallery.com/credibleheardused

 

Video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v

​

Transcript:

If you're struggling to get engagement with your change efforts, there's a good chance the problem is not their engagement. It's your lack of connecting. That's right, you might be a bulldozer. Today we're starting our Change Shaper series with the foundation of everything: connecting with curiosity and compassion. Welcome to Thoughts on Change, the podcast about the messy, political, emotional, deeply human side of leading change. I'm Kelly, and I believe anyone can implement lead tools until they actually have to get people to use them. Around here, we talk about how to move culture, how to build credibility, and how to influence without bulldozing. Basically, how to herd humans without losing your mind. In the last episode, I shared this image of a kick-ass CI warrior, a change shaper. And remember, a chain shaper is someone who doesn't struggle against people and push change forward. A chain shaper is someone who works with the natural flow and movements of people and organizations to move CI forward. They are focused and intentional about where and how they put their energy into change efforts. Think of how jujitsu masters don't struggle against their opponents, they use the momentum of their opponents. This is how a change shaper operates. And the first characteristic of a change shaper we're going to talk about today is connecting with curiosity and compassion. Now, when some people hear connecting, they run for the hills. They think that's just soft stuff. I don't need that. Well, guess what? You do need it. But don't worry, my introverts, my dominant communicators, my bottom line upfront folks. Connecting doesn't mean you need to get a person's entire life story or that you have to give yours. Honestly, this kind of divulging without boundaries is not healthy. And I am not advocating for it. What I do want you to try is to see the other people you work with as more than just vehicles to get what you need done. Think about it. Even if you have authority to implement something, you still need others to actually use it and sustain it. In these conditions where we need other people to achieve our CI goals, it is very easy to fall into this trap where we stop seeing them as people with their own goals and needs, where we just see them as the means for us achieving our goals. Imagine if your IT team had a goal of a certain number of software implementations and updates per quarter. Now, imagine that they just push these on people with no rhyme or reason just to meet their quota. You would have a new update and need a restart like every week. And of course, they would end up happening while you are right in the middle of important work or in a meeting where you are presenting. Now, if this team then wanted you to use this new software instead of an old one, I can't imagine you'd be very willing after this treatment. You'd be pissed at how they treated you. They didn't even stop to consider the impact of what they were doing. This is exactly what it feels like when we push our CI initiatives onto people. And this is why connecting with people as people is so critical. So let's talk about what it means to connect with curiosity and compassion. And first, what is connecting with people really? I already mentioned that it doesn't mean we want to open the door for life stories to be shared. Unless you do, in which case you go. Connecting does mean being open to and aware of the humanness of the people you work with. And when I say humanness, I mean the fact that some days are crap and people feel like crap. That everyone is dealing with the difficulty of living and all of the challenges that life brings. This means that some days it's just not a good idea to go talk to Bob about 5S or Suzanne about the new standard work. Yes, we come to work to do a job, but we can't bulldoze over the fact that people are more than just work. So then, how do you really connect with people's humanity without crossing a boundary you or they have? Here are three steps I use. One, read the room. When you approach someone, first stop and just notice their body language and their mood. Are they extra quiet and reserved? Are they extra loud and boisterous? Are they bubbling with energy? This first read will help you do the second step, which is make a connection with where they are today. If you absolutely need to talk to them about a change today, then first meet them where they are. If they're quiet and reserved, note it. If they seem frustrated, note it. If they seem really excited, note it. When people feel truly seen, they trust you. And when they trust you, they will help you succeed. Now, this next part is really important. And I honestly rarely see it done. Number three, ask for permission to talk about what you want to talk about. Regardless of what kind of mood someone is in, you should always ask for permission to talk about your initiative with them. Why? Because this shows humility and respect. It shows that you understand that this other person is not there to serve you and be at your be-and-call. It shows that you recognize and understand that they have their own work to do. So here's how this all looks together. Imagine I need to talk with Kim, a team leader, about how her team is following a new set of standard work that we implemented out of a Kaizen event last week. First, I'm going to read the room. From afar, I see that Kim is being a little short with her people as they come ask her questions. I see that she is sighing heavily and her body language is potentially showing frustration. Once I've assessed where she might be today, I approach her and connect where she is. And I might say something like, Hey, Kim, how's it going today? And she'll say, Fine. Say, hey, I'm sensing that you might be a little frustrated. Can I help with anything? She says, No, no, thanks. My kids were just really difficult this morning. And so I'd respond, oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. That sounds like a major morning really hard. And she might say, Yeah, it maybe have to rush, so I wasn't late today. And then I'll come back in with, I can, I can see how that would be really frustrating. She'll say, Yeah. So now that I've made a connection with Kim based on where she actually is today, and bonus, I learned something new about her, I can now ask for her permission to talk about the standard work. Hey, Kim, I I wanted to see if we could talk about how your team is finding the new standard work. Do you have a few minutes to talk about that now? So here I've demonstrated that I understand she has a lot of other work to do. And I've opened the door for her to set her own boundary about this. Now, if she says, no, I can't talk right now, that's okay. Not everyone wants to talk to you when you want to talk to them. If you've taken these first steps, though, the odds are they will be willing to talk with you and they won't completely shut you out. If they are too busy right now, ask for when would be a good time and follow up with them then. All right, now that you have the basics of connecting with a person's humanness, let's talk about these aspects of connecting, curiosity and compassion. Now, in what we have already talked about, we've waved in both curiosity and compassion, but I want to call them out explicitly. Let's first talk about curiosity. We all know that curiosity is claimed to have killed the cat, but in my experience, curiosity helps you see the world as it really is. We all see the world through our own bias and perception lenses, which means that we miss stuff. It also means that we tend to only think of ways to fix problems that we are familiar with. So if you were living in a cave and were only familiar with clubs, when you were presented with a can of tinned fish, you would bash it in until it opened. And that's because you are seeing the world through what you know and have experience with. And this can be very dangerous for CI folks, because we and the people we work with are seeing the world through very different experiences. Many people we work with are not as familiar with some of the tools and methodologies that we use every day. And if we give them a tool, this proverbial can of tinned fish, and they have no concept of how to use it or what it is supposed to do, they're going to bash it in with their club. So, how does curiosity help us here? First, if we engage people with curiosity, we can learn about how they see the world and our picture of the world can become more clear. We can better understand what is really happening for these people, what their real problems are, how they really do their work. And this can help us ensure that whatever tool or methodology, pardon me, that we recommend will actually help them, which means it will actually get used. We can also see that if we give them a can of tinned fish, we should probably also give them a can opener. So curiosity helps us out of these short-lived and premature solutions. It helps us put in place more sustainable and long-lasting ones. Curiosity also helps us stay out of assumption and judgment of people. Because remember, a key thing about connecting is that we see people as people and that we connect with them where they are right now. To do this, we need to set aside our assumptions and judgments of them and allow ourselves to see what is actually there. We have to be curious about their experience and ask them about it. I want you to think about a time when someone assumed they understood something about you, your perspective, your opinion, or even your preferences. Okay, you've got it. So, two questions. Were they right? And how did you feel knowing that they had already decided about you? Practicing curiosity actually helps us connect with people in their humanness. All right, let's move to the other important characteristic: compassion. Now, I want to be really clear here about something for anyone out there who may be thinking, but if I'm compassionate with people, they won't change their behavior. If I'm compassionate, it means I am rolling over. That is not true. Having compassion for someone or their situation does not mean you agree with what they are saying or with their behavior. It means that you can see and maybe understand why they might say that or act in that way. It is not condoning, it is understanding. So let's talk about compassion through something we are all very familiar with: resistance. We talked a bit about where resistance comes from back in episodes two and three of this podcast. And I would recommend you go back and listen to those episodes for a deeper look at the roots of resistance. To summarize, though, resistance often comes out of a place of fear and uncertainty, not defiance. No one, well, all right, let's say most people are not sitting there thinking, oh, there's there's Kelly. I'm going to dig my heels in on anything she asks me to do. There, there are actually people like that. And it's probably because you've been treating them like objects and not real people, per our previous conversation about connecting. So assuming you are treating people like people, then their resistance is generally coming from this place of fear. So if you connect with them without compassion, you're kind of saying that their feelings of fear and uncertainty don't matter or aren't true. It means you don't understand why they might feel that way. And when people are afraid and uncertain, they already feel alone and isolated. And if you don't connect with them through compassion, you are reinforcing that feeling of isolation. You are reinforcing that feeling that they do not belong. When people don't feel like they belong, they don't put their best work forward. And neither you nor they will get what you want. So instead, make sure they feel that you understand their perspective and position. Again, when people feel seen, they give you trust. And with that trust, they will be more willing and open to take on change. So let's tie this back to you. I want you to think about a change or initiative you've been working on. You got it? All right, now think about one person you need to come on board to make this a reality. Can you see them? Okay. Now think back to your last interaction with them. Did you connect with their humanness? Did you read the room before you went and engaged? Did you connect where they were? Did you ask for permission to talk about your change initiative? If you answered no, if you didn't do that, don't stress. Think about how would doing these things have helped the interaction and outcomes? And if you did them, nice. Like, how did that help with the interaction? All right, now let's specifically reflect on your curiosity and compassion with that person. Did you ask them about their experiences? Or did you come in with your own judgments and assumptions? Did you make them feel understood? Or did you make them feel isolated? And how did that all impact their trust in you? And how did that impact your effectiveness? So now going forward, how will you choose to connect with curiosity and compassion? With who? When? And what do you think will happen? How will it change your effectiveness? How will it change the relationship you have and their willingness to change? So hopefully by now you see the importance of connecting with curiosity and compassion. And you see that connection is not soft work, it's skilled work. And it's where real influence and shaping change begins. Next time, we'll unpack the second characteristic of Chain Shapers, helping with intention. I really hope to see you there. If this episode had you thinking, wow, I've had that experience, you're not alone. I'm opening up a small group experience for women in continuous improvement called Credible Heard Used. It's designed to help you understand why your ideas aren't landing the way you intend and what to do differently so they actually get used without pushing harder. If you're interested, you can find the details in the show notes. And also, just look out for a bonus episode from the Kata and TWI Summit, which I will be attending and speaking at. All right, that's a wrap. That's a wrap for this episode of Thoughts on Change. If you're also out there trying to move culture instead of just installing tools, hit subscribe and share this with a fellow CI warrior. And remember, progress beats perfection, curiosity beats control, and culture beats everything. See you next time.